Service With A Smile

I was just reading through Beer In The Evening earlier today (I've had a long week) and I came across this review of the Taps again, which I’d thought I’d post (also again), just because it makes me laugh so much.

cheapest round of the day,five squid for a pint of strongbow(virtually unheard of in London)and a pint of guiness,no cask ale mind and the cute barmaid looked at me like shit while pouring the pie juice lol 7/10

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fat_beer_badger - 25 Apr 2011 20:05

It’s just so her.

I mean, how dare people ask for a drink?

Are They Alright?

Mentals, Nut Nuts, Actual Retards – roll up, roll up – we had them all last night.

Literally, all of them.

It was as though the super secret Nut Nut Bat signal had gone up over the Taps calling them all to descend at once, like some kind of perverse League of Retardation.

Marathon Man, Tony, Woof Woof, Birthday Boy [who is an interesting character. He’s quite an elderly fella who comes in most Friday or Saturday nights – when it’s full of properly obnoxious types – and quite happily stands at the bar drinking right until closing time. At which time he tells everyone that it’s his birthday and then Des and Terry lead everyone in singing him Happy Birthday. And he’s always so pleased. Every single time] an Irish couple who apparently often drink during the day [and fight during the night].

All we needed for the complete set would have been gapped tooth woman and ‘Call Me an Ambulance, My Leg Hurts.’

And somehow, in some cosmic drunken perfect storm of borderline personality disorders and social maladjustment, they all got involved together in a long and loud discussion about love, life and relationships.

This all while Irena, Colin and I were trying to have quiz night, and the Taps Boys were having FIFA 2012 night down the end.

Now their conversation, which believe me was as actually retarded (though deeply compelling) as you would imagine, was also punctuated by the lot of them periodically breaking into old Irish drinking songs, and then depending on where they were in their conversation, either hugging, crying or fighting.

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the Taps.

This Is Who We Are

Picture it if you will: as I came in yesterday evening at about 7.30, Gareth was serving, and (with various degrees of separation between them) Rebecca, Sean, my brother, Daryl, Adam and Graeme were sat along the bar.

And they were all arguing about triangular shaped food.

In fact they weren’t arguing, they were debating in great depth (with the aid of actual diagrams) the merits of triangular shaped food.

And the thing is…

The thing is.

This seemed perfectly normal to me. 

Taps Dinner Club

Hey Guys,

Well, after an unsuccessful (but heroic) effort to align everyone’s best availability, we think it’s best to leave the trip to Gaucho Grill for nearer to Christmas. This also means that hopefully everyone will be able to make it as the new restuarant choice is slightly cheaper.

We have chosen to go to the Rotisserie on Tuesday 25th October. There is a set menu for £17.50 or an a la carte menu which has more expensive options if people prefer them.

Here is the link; http://www.therotisserie.co.uk/, so do check it out.

We will either be going to the West Hampstead branch or the St Johns Wood branch. Both are about 30minutes drive from Enfield for those who want to drive from there. If people can look at transport routes and let Jade know which restaurant is best for them. Also, what time will be best for people.

Hopefully everyone can make this one.

Regards

R 

If It's In The Game.

As I’ve said before – and as has been commented on, both positively and negatively, the Taps, during the week is essentially a social/private members club (the fee for membership of which being a broken soul and an easy manner).

And last night particularly illustrated that truth. At the bar – as always on a Monday night, Colin, Adam, Irena and myself were doing the Monday night quiz, while down the end the Taps boys (Gareth, Anthony and Charlie) were loudly (very loudly) playing FIFA 2012 on some electronic contraption or another which they had – with the fearless enthusiasm of youth – connected to the big plasma on the wall down there.

It was, all in all, an evening demonstrative of all which the Taps is.

Really?

So it’s that time again. This month’s top searches which have brought some poor unsuspecting people to the Unofficial Blog of the Taps Irish Bar.

Search Keywords

“Did Boney M speak English?”

Really, this is actually a common source of debate? It’s not just Actual Retards in Taps having this conversation, but other people out in the world?

But not only that, having managed to type the search on their keyboard with their orang-utan fingers, they then clinked on the Unofficial Blog of the Irish Taps Bar, thinking that they’d find the answer?

“Saturday night something special alright”

I don’t really know how that search could have brought someone here. In fact I don’t even really understand what it means.

What exactly were they searching for, and having entered the search, why would they click on the blog?

Rattlers

It’s easy to slag off that which you don’t understand isn’t it? Too easy, I suppose. Infact, in sociology they call it a fear of ‘The Other’ – a fear of that which is different and misunderstood. The unusual and abnormal.

The Other.

And it’s something that I try to avoid. I really do. But when it comes to Rattlers, I just really can’t help myself. I accept that I don’t understand it, and that I’m never going to understand it – and that therefore based on my own personal philosophy I should try and exercise some sort of abstract socially relativistic neutrality on the matter, but quite frankly the only way I can describe Rattlers is like the worst cinematic depiction of an American prison you can imagine, only with more homosexual gang rape and nascent venereal disease.

[One of those isn’t true]

Sarah Jane Smith

Goodbye, Godspeed.

Actual Retards

I’ll be honest with you here guys; some of the people who drink in the Taps on a regular basis are Actual Retards.

By which I don’t mean that they’re actually retarded – which would be quite an offensive, and entirely out of character thing for me to say - but that they’re Actual Retards, which in the Taps vernacular is shorthand for anyone who’s a complete bloody idiot.

And there are a few of them about – particularly during the day.

I was sitting in the Steve Perryman suite with Colin on Saturday listening to two of them having an argument about whether or not the members of Boney M spoke English [which they did].

Now one of them is adamant that they didn’t [he was wrong], and the other one adamant that they did – which you would think would be right, except that this brain surgeon has mixed up Boney M with Abba, in his head.

Brain Surgeon 1: Of course Boney M couldn’t speak English [they could].

Brain Surgeon 2: Oh yeah, then how did they write Waterloo?

Brain Surgeon 1 [after several seconds of intense furrowed brow concentration]: Good point.

Actual Retards.