It’s you.
I know you don’t believe it, but it is. It’s you. You’re the common denominator. You know how every time you go out, no matter where you go, you always end up either getting thrown out, barred, beaten up or, worse, beating someone else up, right?[1] Well the reason for that is you.
It’s not the aggressive doormen or the stroppy staff or the out of order customers who are doing it.
It’s you.
Really, it is.
You’re the reason you ended up being choked by some bloke (who, unfortunately for you, happens to spend his weekend evenings working as a doorman at Bar 108) and left unconscious on the pavement[2].
You.
I mean, really, do you never wonder why these things keep happening to you? I mean surely you must do. The very thing which defines us as sentient beings is the capability for self awareness, so surely you must have thought about it. You must at some point have thought, ‘now hang on just a second here, why do these things keep happening to me? I mean I have to say that it strikes me as being a little bit odd that I keep getting barred and beaten up all the time. I mean statistically speaking you wouldn’t say it’s really normal would you. Now I’m just spit balling here, but could it be that it’s because I’m a total dick? I mean could that be it?’
Because you know what, as soon as you and your equally scummy friend walked in, and I mean the very moment, everyone knew exactly how your evening was going to play out. As soon as you walked in everyone knew the exact trajectory that your evening would follow.
Meeting of Random Enfield
Thursday 20th January
Taps Irish Bar, 2100-1130
Silver Street, Enfield , EN1 3EF
AGENDA
General Business
Step 1. Get drunk very quickly.
Step 2. Take lots of drugs
Step 3. Be loud annoying obnoxious scumbags all night
Step 4. Get in either a fight and/or be chucked out/barred
Any Other Business
Evening Out closes.
Everyone knew it just the moment you walked in. And you know why?
Because it’s you.
I’m fed up of trying to understand people like you. I’ve just got to accept that I don’t get it. I’ll never get it. You’re beyond my scope and comprehension. It’s just not healthy to keep harping on about it, so I give up. Do what you will.
[Although the conversation you had with your scumbag friend outside afterwards where you were loudly talking about how differently things would have gone if he had been outside with you when the incident occurred did make me laugh. In fact it made everyone who was listening to it laugh.
Because what actually would have happened if he had been outside with you is that you would still have got choked out and he would have just stood there.
And you know why?
That’s right, because it’s you.]
[1] I’m assuming here. It just seems impossible to me that this kind if thing doesn’t happen to these jokers every other week.
[2] Basically, what happened was that this bloke kept walking around deliberately knocking into people and then if they didn’t immediately apologise (although most people did just by dint of a. being English and b. being nice) he’d offer them outside. Until he bumped into the wrong person…
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