We'll Be Gentle With You

There was a full page article in the Metro this morning about organising Christmas parties (which wasn’t actually an article but more of a full page advertisement for the Connaught Rooms – this annoyed me actually. I mean at least be honest about it. If you’re going to call your laughable rag a newspaper, at least try and maintain some basic standards of journalistic integrity, like for instance, not trying to pass off an advert as an advice piece).

Which is quite depressing really, given that it’s still only mid October.

But anyway, I thought that if this is the kind of thing that people are starting to think about then I’d offer some advice to those of you who have decided to choose the Taps for your Christmas drink up.

[Yes Civic Centre people, I’m looking at you]

1. Go somewhere else.

Oh, alright…

1. Practice. I mean it. Practice. Don’t be that amateur Christmas drinker that we all hate. Don’t just go out once a year, get completely hammered on three pints/half a bottle of wine, act like a knob, throw up on the floor and then fall asleep in the corner.

Practice.

Really, you’re allowed to go out more than once a year. No, honestly, you are. Try it. Go out on Friday in fact. Sit down at a table and have a couple of pints. Try that again the next week. You might enjoy it.

2. Do not all stand in front of the door. You are allowed in. Don’t be afraid. Go and sit at a table. Have a chat. Sing along to the songs. Wear party hats. Play drinking games. Whatever paddles your canoe.

Just don’t all stand in front of the door.

3. Do a whip. Do not individually order your drinks. Entrust your money to one person and let them order. The bar staff will thank you.

4. Don’t sit at the bar stools at the bar. Yes I know they look nice and you’ve seen people do it on Eastenders, but really don’t. Don’t make me hate you more than I already do.

And so help me God if you start using the bar stools just to put your coats and bags on….

5. Don’t throw up. Not in the pub, not in the urinals and not outside. Don’t.

6. Do not get drunk and start a fight (the one and only serious fight I’ve ever seen in the Taps was the last Friday before everyone broke up for Christmas four or five years ago – and every single person involved was a Christmas amateur drinker).

7. Be a decent human being.  Really, that's it. Christmas in the Taps is great. It's absolutely my favourite time to be in the pub. The decorations. The random short buying. The Pogues. The atmosphere. You will enjoy it.

Just be nice. That's all I ask.