Look, you plonker – you dumb £90 shirt wearing, gell haired muppet, this is how you order a drink.
It’s easy. Honestly. It is. Don’t be scared. Please, just try it.
1. When you go to the bar stop and look at who else is waiting. You will be able to tell who those people are by the fact that they're holding money in their hands and do not have drinks. They will not be the people without money in their hands who have drinks.
By doing this you will now know that untill all of those people who are there before you are served you are not the next person in line.
By doing this you will now know that untill all of those people who are there before you are served you are not the next person in line.
2. Once you have established that, try and make eye contact with a member of the bar staff. Once you have caught their eye they will likely acknowledge you with a nod. This means that they now know that you are waiting. At this point you may wish to smile at them and nod back. I leave that up to you.
Now I know that this might go against your natural inclination to shout ‘bruv, hey bruv’ but trust me, this is much better.
[Boshv2.0 will be writing about this issue in more detail at some point]
3. Now you wait to be served.
If you are waiting near me, do not talk to me.
4. If it’s busy, and one of the bar staff should accidentally start to serve you out of turn, do not grin like a moron and order your drink. Instead you should say, ‘Oh, I think this fella/lady is first’, that person will then say thank to you, and you should say something like, ‘that’s alright’ or ‘you’re welcome.’
These may be foreign terms to you.
5. In Taps it’s rare that one of the bar staff will ever say ‘who’s next?’ to a crowd at the bar because they know what they’re doing, but if it does happen (say if they’ve had to go down to change a barrel and a crowd has accumulated), because when you arrived at the bar you noted who was before you, you are now fully prepared to answer.
No, don't say ‘me’ and then look around smugly like you've just won a competition for being a shithead. What you should should say is ‘oh, these guys, I think’ indicating the people that you had earlier summised were before you.
6. When you order your drink say please and thank you.
7. When you receive your drink say thank you.
6. When you order your drink say please and thank you.
7. When you receive your drink say thank you.
Now, I know this is quite a lot to take in at once, but give it a try.
You might surprise yourself.
You might surprise yourself.
Oh, and I mean it, do not talk to me.
Here I would like to add a few little pointers from the bar staffs point of view.
ReplyDelete1) DO NOT wave your money at me.
It will mean that you wait much longer to get served, or (if I was the only person serving)you wouldn't get served at all. Trust me...I've done it, and I tell all the other staff not to serve you.
Its RUDE. And its COUNTER-PRODUCTIVE.
2)If your waiting to be served, or the member of bar staff is about to serve you, DO NOT explain how long you've been waiting.
The chances are you have been waiting as much, or less, time than everyone else waiting at the bar. By telling the bar staff how long you've been waiting is simply making a bad situation worse. Lets face it, no-one wants to wait for a drink....its a pub....your not there to hang about without a drink. However, at times it happens so deal with it. If you are waiting its likely that the bar staff are not overly happy themselves as no doubt the bar is busy thus they will be running around like headless chickens so be polite and courtesy and your drink will get to you much quicker and if your lucky you may also get a smile.
A little added extra....
What to do if your waiting for a drink when in fact the bar isn't busy and the bar staff are chatting. Whether its right or wrong, this happens, we are all human and frankly when you have that many women in that close proximity, its going to happen. So here's what you do;
1)Your best bet is if Gareth is working. It is more than likely that he is not partaking in the girly chat....and he will also be more than happy to tell everyone else to do some bloody work.
2) If it is just girls behind the bar then you still have to be polite (I know its our job to serve you but as I'm sure everyone is aware....no-one likes there job all the time).
If you know the name of the bar staff then simply call them (DON'T shout....just call), in this situation they will probably make a joke about the fact that they were busy chatting but they will obviously serve you happily.
If you do not know any of the bar staff's name then simply call out excuse me, or move to where you are visible. (Again I'm not saying this is right but unfortunately it is the case and I'm simply trying to help you!)
Things that you must NOT do are;
1)Signal that you are dying of thirst (ie. hold an invisible pint glass to your mouth and stick your tongue out) - its annoying, we know you would have most likely finished your drink all of 2 seconds before.
2) Scream at the top of your voice (this is only acceptable if your getting completely ignored and you have tried more polite approaches. Don't get me wrong its our job, but we are not slaves)
3) Stand there waving like your signalling a rescue boat to you in the middle of the sea....its not that bad....as I said before, I'm sure you won't have gone so long without a drink that your going to dehydrate.
Rant Over.