Have You Got The Winning Ticket?

If I won the Euro lottery I’d buy the Taps. This would no doubt prove disastrous for the pub, but would be wonderful for me.

I’d also buy the funeral parlour and G. Mathews on either side and knock them through so that I could make Super Taps (that wouldn’t be the actual name of course. It would still just be the Taps. Except in my head where it would be Super Taps).

Unfortunately Irena would have to move out because I’d also knock out the upper floors and build Super Taps upwards over all three floors, but I’d buy her somewhere else to live nearby.

So you’d have the ground floor and then the next two floors would be balcony type affairs looking down onto the first floor, so that when you’re on the ground floor you can look all the way up to the top of the building. I might go for some kind of large brass chandelier of some sort up there as well, although I’m not entirely sure about that at the moment.

Super Taps would be very much the same as it is now, save that I’d have a square bar in the middle with lots of dark polished wood (I'm thinking walnut) and gleaming brass fittings and pumps. And obviously it would go up over three floors so there would be lots of dark wooden spiral stair cases dotted around leading upwards into the dark corners of the balconies of the Gods.

The bar stools themselves would, of course, be exquisite.

I’d decorate the walls with prints of old Enfield buildings and landscapes, and I would encourage the regulars to also add any pieces that they might have themselves (Super Taps of course being a communal entity – although obviously it’s still mine). The upper balcony floors would be lined wall to ceiling with books, and would be carpeted, with table seating and large leather armchairs.

We would, of course, have Sky Sport.

But we wouldn’t, of course, have random scummers.

We’d also have all of the broadsheet newspapers delivered daily and if any regular wanted a particular periodical (the economist or private eye, say) we’d arrange to have that delivered as well.

I’d also have literally hundreds of different bottles of whiskeys, bourbons and scotches behind the bar, and while we’re at it we might as well get some good real ales on as well.

Now I know that some of you think that I wouldn’t let anybody in – but that isn’t the case. I’m all for pubs, I genuinely think that they’re one of the finest things about this country and of real benefit to people as a communal focal point. That being the case I obviously want for there to be more pubs. I want to see fewer closing down and more people using them, and so, naturally, I wouldn’t object to people coming to Super Taps.

However, it would be true to say that I would be very quick to chuck people out. Basically Super Taps really wouldn’t be the kind of place you went to have fun. Super Taps would be the kind of place you went to have a chat, catch up with friends, do the crossword, watch the football, get drunk and be bloody quiet about it.

There’ll be no wandering around yahooing it up in Super Taps I can assure you.

To that end, Super Taps will be over 25’s (unless I know you and like you). And I mean actually and in all reality over 25’s, and not just a sign on the door which serves absolutely no purpose at all.

We’ll have no shouting either – unless the football is on.  I suppose that basically Super Taps would just be what Taps is like now Monday – Wednesdays, just done in a spruced up kind of way.

I wouldn’t expect the staff to wear a uniform and rather they could wear what they wanted (within reason); and I’d pay them better. I’m of the opinion that serving behind the bar is a skill (if you’re good at it that is), and that being the case the remuneration should reflect it. I sometimes look at Gareth, say, doing several pints at a time, having a brief joke with random customer and keeping an eye on who’s next at the bar and think ‘you know what, that’s not easy. That’s a skill.’

So let’s say £11 an hour then [to be fair I’d have to pay that to keep most of the ones we’ve got now because I expect that they might end up being bloody bored in Super Taps and they’d probably leave otherwise]

I’d also have live music on a Friday and Saturday night. Just really good cover bands of the sort that you used to get at O’Connors in Palmers Green when it was still there. I will allow a certain amount of yahooing it up on those nights (just not near me). Although I’m still only going to let normal decent people in.

I could write about Super Taps all day but unfortunately I've got work to do.

Oh Super Taps, when shall you be mine?