There are certain people that you always find by themselves[1] in the pub (well you'll know this already if you spend any amount of time in pubs...which you all do - unreconstructed lushes that you are).
It's a universal pub constant.
Paolo Coehle noted that, “Borges said there are only four stories to tell: a love story between two people, a love story between three people, the struggle for power and the voyage. All of us writers rewrite these same stories ad infinitum.”
Well, similarly there are only a finite number of people that you’ll meet in the pub, although, of course, there are endless variations upon them. Infinite in their variation, but finite in their type and category.
[Really, this is true. Go to the pub and have a look yourself right now….no, I don’t care that you’re at work, university or actually already in the pub (although, admittedly, that will prove a slightly tricky existential problem. I mean exactly how do you go to the pub if you’re already there? Is it a state of mind thing?). Just go].
[Really, this is true. Go to the pub and have a look yourself right now….no, I don’t care that you’re at work, university or actually already in the pub (although, admittedly, that will prove a slightly tricky existential problem. I mean exactly how do you go to the pub if you’re already there? Is it a state of mind thing?). Just go].
Go and look around. Look around and you will see:
1. The mad barely coherent Scots/Irishman.
He or she (and in the case of the mad barely coherent Scots/Irishman it really can be either) will inevitable be completely drunk and you’ll never be able to understand a single word that they're saying.
Really, even other Scottish and Irish people can't understand them. Which is understandable given that they're speaking an entirely different language.
(Apparently it's called Scotsirishincoherentjamesonsdrunkenese).
But, that said they're generally harmless. Unless they try and talk to you. In which case good luck.
2. The poor young fella putting all the 'just-broken-up-with-his girlfriend' songs on the jukebox.
He'll have just broken up with his girlfriend.
Don't worry he won't want to talk to you (but you will have to put up with his choice in music all night).
He or she (and in the case of the mad barely coherent Scots/Irishman it really can be either) will inevitable be completely drunk and you’ll never be able to understand a single word that they're saying.
Really, even other Scottish and Irish people can't understand them. Which is understandable given that they're speaking an entirely different language.
(Apparently it's called Scotsirishincoherentjamesonsdrunkenese).
But, that said they're generally harmless. Unless they try and talk to you. In which case good luck.
2. The poor young fella putting all the 'just-broken-up-with-his girlfriend' songs on the jukebox.
He'll have just broken up with his girlfriend.
Don't worry he won't want to talk to you (but you will have to put up with his choice in music all night).
[of course this only applies to pubs with jukeboxes. If there’s no jukebox he’ll spend the evening telling the bar staff that all women are sluts who exist only to rip a man’s heart out]
An addendum to this however is that if No.2 happens to be a woman, then she'll be quietly singing along to the just broken up with her boyfriend songs and crying. However, she will also have her friends with her to look after her as women are generally much better at supporting their friends at times like those then men are.
3. The poor young fella who only a few weeks ago was poor young fella No.2
He's also feeding the juke box, but now he's playing 'happy' song. And trying to chat up every woman in the pub. And telling everyone how happy is without his ex.
And dying a small death inside.
Don’t worry though, because by the end of the night he'll be person No.2 again.
Also harmless.
4. The really drunk bloke who tells you the same thing about five times in a row.
This can be especially dangerous when this is an old person, in which case they'll often get about half way through the story before starting the story from the beginning again.
Must avoid.
5. Deaf old man who wants to shake your hand for five hours.
Self explanatory.
6. The bloke with the ludicrous, obviously stupid money making scheme.
They'll spend half an hour telling you all about it...and all the while you're thinking 'that's so never going to work.' But you have to nod, take their business care, and agree with them anyway.
They’re also harmless (unless you're a complete idiot and you agree to invest in their idea).
7. The bloke who sits at the bar and doesn’t say a word all night.
He's not wasting his time getting up to go to the jukebox. For him drinking is a serious business. You can talk to him, but he's almost certainly a weirdo. Temperamentally and by inclination I'm a number No.7
Exactly.
That should be warning enough.
8. The mental.
You know him. You clocked him the moment he came in. He’s talking to himself and just starring at people. For some reason he came in with three plastic bags full up with old newspapers.
An addendum to this however is that if No.2 happens to be a woman, then she'll be quietly singing along to the just broken up with her boyfriend songs and crying. However, she will also have her friends with her to look after her as women are generally much better at supporting their friends at times like those then men are.
3. The poor young fella who only a few weeks ago was poor young fella No.2
He's also feeding the juke box, but now he's playing 'happy' song. And trying to chat up every woman in the pub. And telling everyone how happy is without his ex.
And dying a small death inside.
Don’t worry though, because by the end of the night he'll be person No.2 again.
Also harmless.
4. The really drunk bloke who tells you the same thing about five times in a row.
This can be especially dangerous when this is an old person, in which case they'll often get about half way through the story before starting the story from the beginning again.
Must avoid.
5. Deaf old man who wants to shake your hand for five hours.
Self explanatory.
6. The bloke with the ludicrous, obviously stupid money making scheme.
They'll spend half an hour telling you all about it...and all the while you're thinking 'that's so never going to work.' But you have to nod, take their business care, and agree with them anyway.
They’re also harmless (unless you're a complete idiot and you agree to invest in their idea).
7. The bloke who sits at the bar and doesn’t say a word all night.
He's not wasting his time getting up to go to the jukebox. For him drinking is a serious business. You can talk to him, but he's almost certainly a weirdo. Temperamentally and by inclination I'm a number No.7
Exactly.
That should be warning enough.
8. The mental.
You know him. You clocked him the moment he came in. He’s talking to himself and just starring at people. For some reason he came in with three plastic bags full up with old newspapers.
Absolutely do not talk to him.
9. The old man who spends two hours drinking his pint of John Smiths during the day.
Harmless, and often a source of some interesting stories.
10. The guy who really fancies one of the barmaids.
Mainly self explanatory and generally harmless, unless he decides to rhapsodize about her to you at great length. In which case your chances of getting away from the conversation are almost nil.
Sometimes difficult to differentiate from type No.7. But if you look closely you’ll be able to recognise that particular gormless look of hopeless puppy dog adoration.
9. The old man who spends two hours drinking his pint of John Smiths during the day.
Harmless, and often a source of some interesting stories.
10. The guy who really fancies one of the barmaids.
Mainly self explanatory and generally harmless, unless he decides to rhapsodize about her to you at great length. In which case your chances of getting away from the conversation are almost nil.
Sometimes difficult to differentiate from type No.7. But if you look closely you’ll be able to recognise that particular gormless look of hopeless puppy dog adoration.
11. The man with problems
Ah, now this man is the real danger. He’s got a problem. And it’s one big enough to drive him to drink by himself in some random pub. And whether it be a problem with his wife, his kids, his job, his girlfriend, his mistress, or his mortgage he’s going to tell you all about it. He’s going to tell you all about it at great length and in minute detail. He’ll ignore every single sign that you’re not interested in what he’s saying and he’ll just keep coming and coming until he’s drunk enough to go home.
Should you encounter him you truly will have looked into the heart of darkness.
------------
At the moment those are all that I can think of (and obviously there are more). As always I welcome everyone’s input either as a comment or in person to me in the pub.
[1] I obviously exclude regulars from this. Regulars always nominally go to the pub by themselves, but in reality they know that they will always know everyone there. This is something that I’ve struggled to explain to people at work who don’t go to pubs. They’ll ask what I’m doing at the weekend, and I’ll say the pub and they’ll ask me who with, not being able to grasp the concept that you can go by yourself.
No comments:
Post a Comment